Lauren's Literary Lunacies
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September 2013 - Lauren moves into a Cardboard Box

5/30/2013

3 Comments

 
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After being accepted into school in Calgary, I started to get overwhelmed. That hot-flash in the middle of the night, screaming on skype while surfing kijiji, kind of overwhelmed.  I have looked on Craigslist, but for some reason $400/month plus 6-10 sexual favors doesn't seem like my jam.

The only reason they charge so much for a 1-bedroom apartment is because the landlords think you're going to be running an orgy in there.  I don't want a roommate; roommates are a disaster (in most cases).  Here are a list of the things I need:
- A clean shower, or if there is hair clogging the drain like a large rodent, that is MY HAIR, and I feel comfortable enough using my hands to remove it.
- When I have to use a spatula to eat my spaghetti, it's because I'm the one who didn't wash the forks.
- When I go to the fridge to pour a cold glass of water from my Brita and it is dry as bone, it's my fault and I have no one to blame.
- My non-stick pans to remain non-stick, because some asshole of a roommate hasn't scratched metal forks on them

I keep asking my Calgary friends just where I should be living:
- Hailee:  "DO NOT LIVE IN FOREST LAWN"
- Olivia: "Come sleep over in my spare-room king sized bed!!" 
- Caitlyn says she is living in the middle of nowhere (NW) beside a house full of tiny children that like to climb into the windows of her basement. She also runs into sketchy characters on a daily basis. Perchance I dost not want to live there.

I've been pouring over my budget for the next year. Yes of course, living with roommates would be a great plan, but tell me, who is this "Mid 20's professional seeking female roommate to share 2-bedroom apartment"? Or "Two sporty girls seek third female to share house" .. Jesus Christ. Sporty on Urban dictionary returns quite an array of results.
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Okay. So I'm not looking to join your inner-city brothel team, but thank-you for the roommate offer.

Whilst perusing the Kijiji listings, I have been combing through listings like nobody's business. What surprises me the most, are the listing titles. Landlords, sorry to throw it out there but your shitty descriptions are losing you renters.

Character Home: this home is haunted. The closets reek of mothballs. The water pressure is a trickle on the best of days. It was built before insulation was added into the building code, hence why there is a pile of wool sweaters that come "included with the price of rent" for some odd reason.


Close to EVERYTHING: yeah, close to everything meaning drug dealers and tattoo shops. "Heroin, come get your cheap heroin" 

Parking offered for an extra charge: wait, you're charging me $1300/month and also want another $100 to park my car on the crime riddled inner city streets? Last time I parked on an inner city street I had my tires stolen off off my car.. literally stolen.

Dishwasher Included: Read the fine print; landlords will often be offering the services of a 7 year-old hispanic child to wash your dinner dishes 5x per week.

Basement Flat: This isn't the UK, but thanks for coming out.

Bright and Sunny Basement Suite: Do not lie to me. Basement suites are not bright and sunny. They are infested with spiders and damp cold of a burial site.

Snazzy Suite: Okay, if this isn't a red flag, then I don't know what is. Do not refer to your rental space as "snazzy". Once again, I will refer to urban dictionary to express my distaste. Unless you want to be moving into a bland pant suit wearing landlord's home, where no dancing, laughing, discussing abortion, pre-marital sex, gayness or atheism will be tolerated, then avoid this property at all costs.
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Basically what this comes down to, is that I will be paying $1500 to live, and chances are, I will still be living in a property with a nasty cockroach infestation, or I will be sharing my bed with a herd of bed bugs (yes they live in herds). Perhaps I will just have to take up permanent residence at the Econo-lodge.. they must have long term rentals?
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Hellion Wisdom Chompers

3/16/2011

0 Comments

 
Wisdom teeth are quite certainly the bane of all toothly conundrums.  Quite suddenly the painful cries exerted by teething infants come boldly into perspective.  In fact, there are times when many wisdom teeth sufferers will cry out in agony due to the constant pain (even in public places).  It’s no so much the fact that your teeth are hurting when they claw their way through your gums, it’s the hide and seek maneuver they play.  They poke in for a few weeks, causing you to revert to apple sauce and bananas, then disappear, leaving no trace of their presence.  

Removal of these little devils is difficult, painful and absolutely excruciating.  Extracting teeth that are firmly rooted in your jaw causes some major problems.  If you’re lucky enough to be put under general anesthesia, you probably won’t hear the drilling and smashing of your jaw and teeth being separated.  Local anesthesia is a whole different story.  Patients are welcomed to sit in on a first hand experience of blood flying, teeth wrenching, head ripping entertainment.  This gory experience may be one to share after supper has concluded.  As a regular addict of Tylenol 3's, I can assure my dentist that these little ditties will not be sufficient enough to mask my jaw wrenching pain of eating. 

The actual operation is the easy part when put into comparison with the recovery.  Diets of a recovering wisdom teeth removal victim can be noted as yop, liquid, jell-o and any other liquefied beverage not consumed through a straw.  If you’re planning the surgery around Thanksgiving, you best be prepared to drink your Thanksgiving supper blended in the magic bullet.  Yum, think of the flavours involved: mushed cranberries, soggy turkey, chunks of gravy and perhaps some green peas for some good measure.  I have exactly 49 days until I took can join the club.  My semester will end with a bang: Finals, apartment scrubbing, packing, moving, unpacking and teeth ripping.  Fantastic I do say.
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