I can't lie, I love hands, and I love feces. And what I love more than anything else, is feces on hands. That really gets me excited. My recent experience with the press took place at the CUP NASH 74 conference in Victoria BC.
I wouldn't want to give the story away, but what I can say is that I chose to reside in the buffet food touched by a shitty-pawed cook, or I snuck into the hotel on a surly old man, unnoticed by the majority of journalists.
See, my favorite activity besides not swimming down the drains mixed with antibacterial soap, is multiplying. My favorite places to reside are:
- Elevator buttons (Floor 3, 4, 7 and 12 are my favorites)
- Toilet handles
- Soap dispensers
- Hand sanitizer pumps
- Assholes, anuses, butt-holes alike
- Serving tongs
- Door handles
- Smartphones (yeah, you wanted to share that youtube video about a crazy nastyass honey badger, don't lie)
My weekend was quite eventful indeed. I met lots of people, and when I say I "met" people, I met them inside and out. I met them all the way from their esophagus, to their cardiac sphincter, to their stomach, to their pyloric sphincter, to the small intestine, large intestine and of course that good ol' anus.
I visited a lot of places too. Dance parties, toilets, back of heads. Lets just say, I get around. I'm like an STD but a little less permanent, and I guess a little less itchy.
Projectile vomit allowed me to travel through the air so quickly, like Nascar for Noro. BAM: into your mouths. Maybe you might casually brush hands with someone in the chip bowl. BAM: onto your hand, into your mouth. You might shit on your hands and stick them in your mouth. BAM: shit in your mouth, shit on the elevator buttons, shit in the coleslaw and hummus. There's shit everywhere and there is norovirus festering, waiting to sneak into your body and fuck you up.
When I'm bedding down for a bit of incubatory time, I like that good ol warm small intestine. I can stay there for two, to ten days.. depends on the length of vacation i am looking for.
I've been noted as being "highly contagious".. Like a crew of people singing bible songs.. or .. not..
I'll be back, I might be back for Nash 75, I might not, just remember, don't shit on your hands and put them in your mouth.