There are many benefits that you gain from eating gluten-free, most of them are noticeable within a few days.
1. NO ONE wants to share with you
I mean how much more fantastic could it get. I bring a whole package of rice cakes to work, I don't see people hovering over me like I'm holding a cheesy filled bag of Dorito goodness. No, instead I eat in silence enjoying my rice cakes. This means less dirty ass bacteria-full hands delving into my food and more eating.
2. Gluten free bread can be used as a weapon
Back the fuck off bucko, this loaf of gluten-free bread is the next best thing to a full on brick. Honestly, I may or may not have tried to curb-stomp a gluten-free loaf, and that sucker punched me back! These things are so sickly to eat PLUS they cost a fortune. You want me to pay $5 for 8 slices of "bread"? Thanks, but I'd rather gnaw on some tree bark or perhaps a piece of cement.
3. Eating Gluten-free means becoming a social outcast
Oh hey, let me come over to your house for supper, inspect everything you eat, pick it apart and then complain when the meal is finished because I'm still hungry. This is really great for foraging new relationships. Hell put it on your online dating profile to get things out in the open.
4. Gluten free options are so Vast and Worldly
This is my ultimate fave: the gluten free, dairy free, preservative free, kosher (because I'm Jewish), vegan protein bar. Hmm, how to describe the taste. Basically combine moth balls, quinoa, cat fur (great fibre) and shredded paper and you'll get the gist of it. Just fantastic. Also note: no one wants to share and these protein bars are also weapons.
5. People Find it attractive
What could possibly be more attractive than a girl who can't eat anything normal?
Insta-attractant. This probably works as well, if not better, than sex pheromones used in african cat mating rituals.
"Hey I'm eating gluten free!"
"Really, would you like to procreate with me?"
"As a mater of fact I would"
6. It's a FANTASTIC conversation starter
- Oh hey, what's up? I'm Lauren also, if you weren't aware, I do eat gluten free, now I know you have basically zero interest in this, but I will continue to talk to you about the stomach issues I get when I don't eat gluten free, and then, if you're really lucky, I might invite you to my house (that smells of leather bound books and rich mahogany) to enjoy a meal consisting of:
- rice cakes
- rice noodles
- hard boiled eggs
- rice pudding
7. Everything "gluten-free" is so G-damn expensive
Last time I checked it was not expensive to buy rice, but somehow everything ricey and alternativey seems to cost so much more? This is identical to tampons. Why the ef do girls have to pay for that? The government should cover the full cost of these things. Every couple of weeks I think a worldwide Tampon and gluten-free giveaway would greatly benefit the population.
Lie #1 Eating Gluten Free is much more healthy
- By cutting out bread, pastries and basically everything that is filled with floury deliciousness, that leaves much more room for the following:
- Blizzards (try the confetti cake blizzard at DQ. You will not be disappointed)
- mini eggs
- chocolate of all sorts
- "gluten free cake" topped with ice cream to masque the sand-like texture.