Who do you leave your goods with when you go to the washroom?
You're going to have to go pee at some point, which leaves you wondering "Okay, where do I leave my bag, or do I just bring the whole thing into the bathroom with me?" I am going through this very situation right now. I am surveying the people around me to check and see if they look trustworthy, or if they are in fact felons. The man sitting next to me is wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and brown penny loafers. All these physical characteristics may LEAD you to believe that he is trustworthy, but in fact the second I leave my stuff for him to watch, he is going to rummage through my backpack, and steal my laptop which he will pawn off at a later date. He looks like he does this sort of thing quite often.
Why is everyone so mad all the time?
See, I wonder why airports are full of such a hostile vibe. People walk like their anuses are on fire (that is the first time I have pluralized the word anus and it was a fantastic pluralization) and they do that violently swingy arm thing like they are in the army. I try my best to stay away from those people, because chances are they have poor time management, hence making them late. Please try to walk at a normal pace because this hurried trotting makes me nervous, like you have bombs in place of the padding of your victoria secret push-up bra.
Don't sit next to me when there are 5 other chairs to occupy.
There is such a thing as personal space, but in airports people think that because planes are close quarters that they should practice this before they board the plane. Please don't sit next to me. Don't let your elbow brush my abdomen in a casual way. Do not play footsies with me. Move away from me and go sit on the other 80 chairs that are available.
First come first serve.
Those lovely leather chairs are supposed to be "executive only" chairs, but I say first come first serve. These executives already get the kick ass seats on the plane, with their own asian servant child to massage their feet, so for the hour of time I have to wait for my flight, I will sit in the executive leather chairs. I usually look like such a hobo in my sweatpants and uggs that I am certain these high falutin individuals would not care to associate with someone of my lower class status.
Why is everything so g-damn expensive?
Regular Starbucks costs less than airport Starbucks. Why is this you ask? I find myself wondering the same thing actually. I just deduced a reason why you have to pay extra for your drink:
- It contains the angry vibes of millions of people (you can't order this just anywhere you know)
- You have a 75% guarantee that your cup of coffee with have SARS in it
- The water at the airport is mixed with jet fuel, and we all know how much jet fuel costs these days
If I were a Westjet golf cart driver...
I would use that passenger carrying golf cart and run people right the shit over. You see those groups of people crowded around the "arrivals and departures monitor? They aren't even slightly aware of their surroundings, gazing up at the information. Those would 100% be my targeted group. Just a thought?
Theres so much shit to look at.
I am already pretty certain I have ADHD, but the airport just exacerbates this. There are blinking lights outside, and trucks driving everywhere moving snow and luggage, then planes are landing and taking off, then theres the arcade, and... yeah
No I don't want a visa.
Referring to my point above, I look like a hobo. Does it look like I have the money to pay a $500 annual fee? Do you think I own a business No I do not, hence why would you ask me if I would like to sign up for your little credit card? I smiled politely and whispered "f you" in my head.
You're 99% guaranteed that you're going going to get sick.
Ever notice that after you are in an airport you end up sick 2 seconds after you leave? This is because airports are a cesspool of germs, and international germs at that. Imagine combining every single germ from the entire world, and combining it into a lovely little bubble called the airport. I have already sanitized my hands 8 times and I am using my scarf as a make-shift mask to cover my mouth. You just wait, I am going to have avian bird flu by the end of this ordeal. This is a fact.
Why does everyone insist on standing up the second the plane stops moving?
You guys all need to sit the f down and wait. Standing up (if you can even call it that when your head smashes into the over head compartment and you stand awkwardly crooked over) is not something that is a pressing matter when the door isn't even open. Also, idiots from the back rows? You need to wait your turn; did you not get the memo when getting off the school bus in grade one? Apparently not. This is a school bus with wings and if you choose to budge in line to get of the germ plane, I will trip you with a swift kick to the shins. Unlike buses, there are no cameras on planes to prove me guilty.
Writing this has worked well to pass the time, time to board soon :) Yay.