I however, was not a runner. When the elementary school triathlon came up and somehow I was persuaded into being the damn runner, things went downhill from there. Not only did I have an obnoxiously slow running time, but I was that kid who was on the verge of barfing, passed out face down in the grass, while all the athletic breed of kids were cart wheeling and running their victory laps.
I am very envious of those runners who can run the "proud run" I call it, where they can run and run, without stopping or losing ambition. There are a few reasons why I am a terrible runner.
First, when I stop running to take a walk (every 1 to 2 minutes), I quickly check behind and infront of me to ensure that NO ONE has seen be slow to a walk. Running has made me become the paranoid old lady carrying an umbrella to knock out perpetrators. I am always on the look out for other runners that might think I'm out of shape. In the event that I see someone far in the distance or behind me that looks like a serious runner, I begin to run again, even if it pains me. I run a valiant run that could be described as a gazelle running, incorporating hopping, leaping and twirling into my run.
Second, I have a reoccurring rib cramp that makes me want to punch baby kittens, and yes when I say baby kittens I am serious, because it is that painful. It's the kind of cramp that makes you want to curb stomp your own head, that makes you want to sucker punch yourself in the ribs or throw yourself into traffic. I usually resort to none of the mentioned, however I dig my hand so far into my ribs that I can touch exactly where that feaking cramp is, and I poke it repeatedly. I have yet to determine if it actually works, but I like to think it does, despite the massive bruise it leaves.
Third, I may sounds like an over reactor, but I swear on the life of ten-pound-baby-Jesus that every time I'm out for a run, I find a new pain in my body. It might be my knee joint. It might be my 6th vertebrae, my shoulder, the outer arch of my foot. You name it, that puppy is hurting at some point in time. I think it's because I'm terribly out of shape, but I also think that I am not cut out for long distance running. Usually my keen eyes of an eagle are trained to seek out city transit busses, because in the event I am too pained to continue, I can flag down a bus!
Fourth, my breathing technique sucks. It's a cross between a vacuum and a injured hyena. This is probably what is contributing to my rib cramp. I know that the breathing is out of control, because passers by ask me if they need to call 911. Okay, perhaps that is an exaggeration, but it is loud and raspy, perhaps compared to a mix of Voldemort and T.V static. Whatever it sounds like, it's unpleasant and makes me sound like a running impostor.
All being said, I will continue running until I'm that person who can scoff at the out of shape and ask politely if they'd like me to call 911.