The Loud Breather
This has got to be paired with deafness, because how can someone not hear themselves breathing like their wind pipe is a freaking vortex. Sorry Darth Vader, I do not want you around me making that weird noise you do. Loud breathers always strike when it is silent, aka. you are sitting on the couch reading a book and said person ACROSS the room is breathing so god damn loud that your ear drums are literally quivering with each inhale. Its a god damn disaster.
The Finger Licker (a hated trait I picked up from someone else)
Maybe it's because I hangout around people who eat saucy food, but god do I loathe the noise made by a sticky finger freshly licked, smacking out of someone's mouth. Like OMG is it completely impossible to wipe your finger on a napkin, or leave out that stupid noise instead? Figure it out before I murder you. k thanks.
The nose whistle
Please, do not try to tell me that you can't hear that eerie whistle coming out of your nose? That sound just makes me want to turn around and deck the nose whistler in the face. I don't care if you have to sniff, snort, or clear your nasal passages with a q-tip, DO SOMETHING because nose whistling is not appropriate in society. Thanks.
The Open Mouth Chewer
If you have parents, and said parents are respectable people, they should have taught you not to chew like a dinosaur ruminating on a soggy tree. I do not care if you are thinking; close your mouth. I do not care if your jaw hurts; close your mouth. I especially don't give a shit if your jaw muscles lack the strength to keep your mouth closed; close your fucking mouth. I like to think this offense deserves a kick in the teeth..
The consumer of crunchy shit
Sometimes, when the house is quiet, the birds lay at bay and the wind is still, someone might decide to make a salad, and crunch on the crisp spines of the lettuce. Often, during the quiet scenes of a movie, someone will take an entire ruffle chip (the size of a flattened football) and place the ENTIRE thing in their mouth, making that disgusting closing mouth/chip chewing noise. Crunchy food is annoying shit. It needs to be destroyed and the world can live on soggy food like apple sauce and.. braised duck.
The foot tapper
I am uncertain why people do this, perhaps they have ADD or maybe they are doing calf raises. Either way it needs to not happen, not while I'm around and not ever. There can be no possible need to constantly foot tap.
The "I don't give a shit about your life I'll just talk about myself on and on while I refuse to let you speak"
no explanation needed.
The delusional mother
Babies are all mostly all cute and nice and interesting, but some mothers feel the need to exaggerate their child's abilities at said age..
Mom: "Oh little Jules is 8 months now and he is just spectacular. He is crushing his baby food like a champ, he has been tapping his toes in beat to eminem, he learned how to speak along with Dora and then, he used his spagetti sauce to create a master piece painting resembling Van Gogh. I also have tickets for you to the symphony he wrote himself as a tribute to mozart. I am certain he is ahead of most 8 month olds."
Me: "Yesterday, my cat ate three tins of food in one minute, he jumped 10 feet from my car to my house, he scratched his name into my lululemon pants then pooped on the floor"
The Jargon Speaker
This usually happens when I talk to boys about things like cars and machines and perhaps anything to do with the trades. All I want to do is understand why my car is fucked, and you talk to me specifically using car engine-speak?
Guy: "The reason why your BHP was flawed had to do a lot with your CVT.. so I replaced both things and it fixed that anti-lag up fine. Is there anything else you want done now that those are finished?"
Me: Fuck you and no I wouldn't like to pay $1000 for that.
The silence murder:
There is a peaceful calm in the house. All are reading a book, engrossed in its story when someone has to say "DO YOU WANT ME TO PICK UP MILK?". If milk is written on the list get it. Don't ask me. Don't talk. Shut up and do not speak when we are in our silence bubble.
The "MOM... MOM... MOMMM LOOK AT ME"
Listen honey, if your mother didn't hear you the first 8 times your shrill voice pierced the air, I would like to aid you by telling you she probably doesn't give a shit. Don't keep yelling, don't wait to do your pitiful jump of the diving board, you are 12 years old so just do whatever you are doing and find personal satisfaction before I come over there and break your neck.